August 9/12

Oh boy.....where to begin this one?!

Since my last post on July 24/12, things certainly took a turn for the worse regarding the effect the new chemo (Lomustine) has had on my body. I ended up being admitted for 3 LONG days and nights in our local hospital on the advice of the Cancer Clinic in London. My platelet and white blood cell levels continued to plummet, a temperature of 38.5 degrees and the ever-present infection lurking in my head, I guess medical intervention was the only way to fix it this time. Couldn't get out of this one with only my stubborn attitude ....dammit!

So after 3 days of being hooked to I.V. bags for all of the above issues, I was released again to wreak havoc on society. Needless to say, I almost directly headed to my only place of solice these days.....my trailer. When I am there, I find peace within myself and find that I can regain some strength both physically and emotionally to face the realities of life that are scratching at my door, begging to be let in out of the cold on a blustery winter's night.

Realities such as I am fighting this fight in essence, alone now. My rock had reached her limit in dealing with the "Life with Cancer "I guess and needed to work on her own life. The timing unfortunately could not have been worse. I felt I was abandoned during my darkest moment of my 4+ year fight with Cancer. Nevertheless, we all have to do what is right for us and look out for number one, so I wish her the best of luck going forward with her own life.

At the time of writing, the Doctor still does not feel I am ready for another round of chemo. I was supposed to begin this past Tuesday but he wants to wait another week to see if all my levels improve enough to begin the body-beating again. The fatigue level I experience with this chemotherapy is unlike anything I have ever experienced in my life. I consider myself a fairly tough cookie but this drug knocked me down in every way imaginable. People have commented on how good I still look, which normally would be a nice compliment to hear, but without holding anything back, I have to tell you that those words are the last words I want to hear right now. Why you ask? I guess its because I do not feel good at this point, inside or out! I sit here and watch my body physically deteriorate week by week, knowing there is not a damn thing I can do about it. And for someone who has been in control of his own destiny the majority of his adult life, this is a very difficult and sometimes bitter pill to swallow.

Don't take that wrong though, I truly do enjoy hearing from everyone. This path would have ended a long time ago were it not for all the well wishes, encouraging words and kind deeds that you have all given me throughout the fight. Right now, I just need visits and phone calls etc to be brief. My body is screaming for attention and I think its time I paid attention to it rather than worrying about the rest of the world.

My family, both immediate and extended have been a blessing lately. They have jumped in feet first to help me where there is now a void. Dealing with me, along with my younger sister's issues, is more than any parent, especially in their retirement years, should have to worry about. I hope, Mom and Dad, that if you are reading this, that you will both take the time for yourselves too, I need you here healthy and happy, along side of me ok ! 

Have I been irritable and grumpy lately.....hell yes. Sadly I even see it in myself as I'm sure those who are close to me have noticed also. I believe that this too shall pass, just a bump in the road due to the events that have gone on the past couple of months in my life. I apologize in advance, none of my unhappiness is caused by any of you  :)  Being so independent all these years, its just hard to come to the realization that I DO need help once in a while from others.....again, sometimes a hard and bitter pill to swallow for me.

The focal seizures continue to plague my left side, but the severity and frequency seem to have lessened since they increased the dosage of Dexamethasone about a week ago (Dex. is used to reduce swelling on the brain). Of course the downside to that is the primary side effect....NO SLEEP!!  I am lucky to get 3-5 hours of sleep a night, and that is with the aid of a sleeping pill. Oh well, like I've always said......we can sleep when we're dead!

So going forward, we shall hopefully attempt chemo again next week. My next MRI is still planned for September and by that time, we should know if the chemo is having any effect on reducing the size of this latest tumour. FINGERS CROSSED

On a final note, my angel of a daughter Faith, has been a trooper through all of my ups and downs. She has taken my illness by the horns and helps me immensely....probably unbeknownst to her all the while. I love that kid of mine  :)

Wishing you all the very best in life...........

Regards,

Ed

Rest in Peace Paul Davies who very recently lost his battle to Brain Cancer. You are gone now but the memories beginning way back in childhood in the old neighbourhood will forever be etched in my mind and heart.