Me and sleep are still bitter enemies. I think I managed 2 hrs sleep tonight. This is just getting silly. And with the news of a possible 3rd round of chemo and steroids, I don't see this changing in the near future. UGH "Some days its just not worth chewing through the straps!" lol
Anyways, onto Angela.......Ang has now been moved to Continuing Care at the St.Thomas Hospital. What this means is that she will now receive better rehabilitative care in a setting that is designed to test her abilities to return to a "normal" life and routine. She will be tested on her ability to become mobile, to function in a home-setting, as well as a number of other things. At this point, I feel Angela still has a long road ahead of her. Her short-term memory is very poor, she is probably going to remain on dialysis for a lifetime (her kidneys have shown no sign of function in over 2.5 months) and there is a vast amount of mental confusion still apparent. She can be carrying on a semi-normal conversation for 5 minutes, then slips into an unknown realm of her own skewed sense of reality. We are all so very saddened by all of this. It has taken a tremendous toll on the family and the stressors continue to pop up almost daily. Even though Angela and I have had a strained relationship over the years, I would give my right arm for her to be home and on the mend without the physical and mental impairments I fear she is going to be left with. It just sucks! A family vacation is soooooooo needed.
Feeling pretty emotional right now...tears rolling down my face as I write. Between Angela's situation, the thought of her requiring permanent care for the rest of her life, the emotional pain that the family is suffering right now and then there is my situation. As positive and tough as I can be throughout all of this....I still have that gnawing feeling in my mind that this is the beginning of the end. Almost since day 1 of cancer, I guesstimated I'd last 5 years total.I'm into year 3 and I just hope and pray for a good quality of life for whatever time I have left. The thought of leaving my beautiful Faith behind just kills me. I've only had 9 years with her and knowing our time together is going to be limited, is like a dagger through my heart. GODDAMNSONOFABITCH!!!!!!!!
I don't usually get too emotionally explicit on here but its getting harder and harder to keep the feelings in. Some days (or early mornings in this case) I just can't be the tough guy. Its probably a healthy thing to do anyways....to let it out. I've never been good at doing it in front of people so I guess this the next best thing for me. When you are going through something like this and you hear (especially from our younger generation) the "life problems" that they complain about and make a huge deal over.......I'd just like to welcome them to walk in my shoes, or someone else's, who is going through this same crap right now.
Live your life to the fullest today and with no regrets. God never promised you tomorrow!!!!!!! Be a positive contributing member of society; Respect your parents; Tell your kids how much you love them; We all have a past, but only YOU can make your future. Lifes tough....wear a helmet! ~sorry, these are just little rants that have always stuck in my head~
Ok, time to put my Teflon suit back on and ......carry on as if I were normal!! :)
Love you all!
Ed
4 comments:
I'm crying right along with you .....please stay teflon man k......and your right, we all dwell on the little stupid things and think it's a tough road...wow time to take a second look for sure all. you give me strength to keep plugging away at my long long days, you amaze me with the person you are and your commitment to everything.....your a wonderful daddy and loved by many....SO....keep running that race...you can fall down....but get back up as I know you will and I will see you at the finish line Martha.....
hugs xxxxxooooooo Di
I haven't spoken to a sibling of mine in over 15 years. I don't even know the reasoning behind it but after reading your blog today, hearing you've had a troubled relationship with Ang and knowing what you are going through yet still are there for her has prompted me to pick up the phone and call my sibling. It won't be easy but I'm going to do it because I couldn't imagine not being there for them if they needed me. You are in inspiration in ways you probably didn't even know. Don't give up the fight man, one day there will be a cure and I hope you are the first to receive it. Push on, Ed. Push on.
tears rolling downmy faceas I reasd this, outof the strength you an your family xude to everyoneTake time for yourself tstopand smell the rosesand visit wit te ones who care about you Ed. You are an amazing person.SuzeMiss talking toyou.
Miss talkin gto youYouarean amazing personandI know you will beat this again. I ptay everday for thatSuze
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